Top Ten Uses for my Aborted Fetus...(continued)

Number 2: Creepy "Pro-Life" Giveaway

If you’ve ever tried to enter an abortion clinic you’ve probably faced the sickening faux-love aggressiveness of “pro-life sidewalk counselors”. These people can easily be identified by:

(a) the fact that they look way too ugly to get anyone to collaborate with them in the conception of their own fetuses;

(b) the gory posters they carry, supposedly depicting aborted fetuses recovered from American clinics;

(c) the cute “God's Little Ones” fetus dolls they try to push into the hands of any woman attempting to exercise her constitutional right to abort her “womb baby”.

Now, the truth is these “pro-lifers”--beneath their lawnmower haircuts, Wal Mart sneakers and Care Bear sweatshirts--are probably almost average in appearance. One weekend with the Queer Guys and they might get the opportunity to inseminate or get inseminated without the aid of a turkey baster. And the abortion photos these “pro-lifers” carry are usually either photoshopped images or deliberately mislabeled textbook illustrations of miscarriages. But let me tell you something about “pro-life” fetus dolls.
They aren’t dolls.
They’re real fetuses.

I know it’s hard to believe. Jebus knows I didn’t buy it when Kristy Ann Sullins, a former “sidewalk anti-abortion counselor”, emailed me with this claim. But I’ve seen the evidence, and it’s irrefutable.

Two years ago the leaders of America’s leading “pro-life” organizations realized that the very expensive “Touch of Life” dolls their counselors gave out to school children and confused pregnant women just weren’t realistic enough to do the job they were supposed to do. Like a "Realdoll" that doesn’t cause erections, a “Touch of Life” doll that doesn’t cause maternal feelings or extreme guilt just isn’t worth its weight in silicone. So the “pro-lifers” joined in a secret partnership with a very creepy German scientist named Gunther von Hagen. Gunther had perfected a process he called “plastination”, through which he preserved human corpses in lifelike poses for educational and entertainment purposes. The “pro-lifers” hoped to “save” aborted fetuses (and money) by plastinating them and then handing them out to kids and pregnant teens like Halloween candy. Their objective was to have an actual aborted “womb baby” in every American home by 2010.

Today the American “pro-life” movement, with the assistance of bribed insiders, procures aborted fetuses by the ton from abortion clinics and ships them to "God's Little Ones" headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia. Here the plastination process is used to preserve the teeny corpses, after which they are dispersed to "sidewalk counselors" all over the nation. These plastinated fetuses are spreading faster then herpes in a Baptist teen abstinence group.


My Paypal account now contains $34,875. Unless I get another $5125 in donations by tomorrow morning at 10 am, my fetus could well find its way to Gunther von Hagen’s evil laboratory, and ultimately into your child’s bedroom.